One of the worst feelings is knowing the one person you genuinely love, does not feel the same way back, and even acts it. I’m paraphrasing maybe, but I’ve seen a lot of versions of that sentence as memes and in screenshots, so I know a lot of other people generally agree with how aching the feeling is.
But if you ask me, one of the worst feelings also, is knowing you could have done something to help a situation of something/someone you once loved and maybe still do, but you don’t concede, and then the situation crashes and gradually goes south. Whether for reasons of laziness or procrastination, or selfishness, or pride, or whatever excuse you could come up with to save your face at the moment (or after) no matter how profound the reason, you still did not assist and it could have made a difference if you did, because where there’s a will…
Most of those feelings, sometimes, come as a result of neglect. I would know because I’m suffering from it.
I’ve neglected my piano and piano lessons, and everyday it feels like a great part of me has gotten lost and it hurts. Part of the reasons I set the piano at the right corner of the living room since I got into Lagos around August last year, was so that I would have to see it at all times since I spend more time in the living room. I moved it into my bedroom like 2 days after, when I realized I actually spend almost all day in my bedroom. Well, I moved it back to the living room when things changed.
I came across the sheet plan for my then daily-minutely personal practice time input for this year while searching for a document in my phone files, and I almost wept. It had only been just recently that I took the bull by the horns and got myself a standard instrument, then booked practical lessons, which I’ve had regularly since October last year up until June this year, once every week (my consistency..need I say more).
I permitted myself to be comfortable spending approximately 3hrs in traffic and roughly N2000 on transport fare to get to the training venue. January I put in 1860 mins for practice. February -1780mins. March was 762mins and I couldn’t accept that. I asterisked the life out of that figure to be consciously aware of my lapse. It was an apologetic Code Red.
The practice was never supposed to go below 1000 mins a month, because I challenged myself to 60 mins each day. Bullshit. The minutes did not improve. By May it was 685 mins. June came and I had to travel for my granny’s memorial service. I returned and hadn’t had the piano drive again.
I walk past the piano every day but without giving it so much as a second look. Weekends when I clean up the house, I’d lift the piano stand to sweep and dust the floor, and I’d continue on with the rest of the house. How this happened I would never understand because I remember being proud of how far I’d gotten, that I could play a tune someone could match, or back up a song, and that was a big deal. I was getting close to being able to say I play the Piano and mean it. It was what I’d always wished I could say and do since I was little.
My piano instructor said I’ve lost all the months of training I’d invested in it, and I’ll be lucky if I don’t start from scratch whenever I’m up to it again. 🙁
You haven’t neglected anything have you?