This past week 32 of 52 has been anything but easy, mentally. Right till the end, the summary of it was not satisfying, fulfilling, and definitely not game-changing.
Unlike previous months where I try to urge myself into writing, then get over it quickly when I don’t find any sort of inspiration; until the end of the month draws too close and I fidget all around my EverNote pad tirelessly till I eventually get something going…
This month, only days in, multiple times I had started scribbling diary notes but given up. Or just deleted the write up altogether. Each act, way more effort than has ever happened in months, for almost half a year.
So much on my mind. Depicting this in literary English though makes it sound as advanced and refined as its weight in my head – I’m plagued with a plethora of thoughts and a paucity of advice.
It’s scary and I don’t want to have to explode at some unsuspecting period. I used to find it easy to just write about moments and crises and everyday events. This blog business used to be fun. But I don’t know what happened, or what is happening.
Actually, I do know. I figured it out late last month. I’m not being productive in areas I should love to. Heck, I’m not being productive in any area. And I feel like I’m surrounded by a thick fog of bleakness that is hurting my soul so bad it’s literally hindering my growth.
This year is happening too fast for me. Or perhaps I’m being slower than the rest of the world, is another way to see it. I haven’t gotten much done and I perceived only the other day that it’s the bad kind of inactivity.
The kind that you don’t have anything silly or smart to shift blames onto.
In retrospect, every single one of my games is poor, and I mean this sincerely. Money game, house game, plant game, reading game, writing game obviously, impact game, actual game game leisure game, friendships game, food game, relationship-love game, family game. And if I’m being honest, work game too.
Nothing is steadily radiating from where I’m at. I wonder if it’s just my perspective and maybe some other person may see things differently. But even at that, it’s been the same viewing lens I’ve got in the past where I’ve observed and admitted the games were dope when they were.
However, the past is past. I’ve selected misery for eviction this week, the big brother way. Enough of letting it bunk with me and enough of being this sulky-princess-broody-queen.
Just like I told a friend, there’s a silver lining. Though he thought I was mixing up colors and maybe I really meant to think bronze lining because he doesn’t see no silver in all of these. But I bared him no attention, because, you see, it’s silver.
How? The mighty phenomenon is called emotion! Emotion is universally acclaimed. When you’re hurt, or happy, or livid, or jealous or others, you’re likely to act in a similar pattern someone else experiencing the same emotion would act. Not robotically same “behavioral” pattern, but stages and order of the emotion being experienced.
For the sake of illustration, for instance, painting the pattern for broken relationships, take The Script’s song, “6 Degrees of Separation”,
“First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What’s gonna kill you is the second part
And the third is when your world splits down the middle…
This literally happens to the majority of separated couples. It goes on till the sixth degree.
In relation to my plight, I may have omitted a couple of the separation degrees, (hey! not in relationship theme yo!), but I got through most definitely. It was such a dilemma. And that’s my silver lining. Having to pass through degrees of hurt which unequivocally led me to the last super important stage.
And the sixth is when you admit you may have fucked up a little
This is also called “Acceptance“, the last stage in the 5 Stages of Grief principle.
Now I have this unflinching desire to make everything all better again
I would take today and the day after off work this week to make the weekend robust, and travel out of state with a couple of friends. I would spend a few on self, slay the sh*t out, and worry little about money which I’ll most likely be borrowing.
I would get freelancing on sites I’ve signed up on, and gone extra to pay for Masterclass on how to excel on them (class started 3 days ago and I’ve been in attendance, yay me). I would move houses before the month end and make a plan out for my dog’s vet requirements and living expenses.
Money game, house game, plant game.
I would invite my mum to my new house
2months 3 months from now and I should host her for that weekend. I refused all her requests for the whole year she insisted she visited me. I’d invite my siblings too one at a time. Then maybe host some friends. Ahh I wish I pull all these off. family game, friendship game, food game
I would pay to protect my business website with an SSL and see if I can find any other valid reason not to keep it active. I would plan out both my creative’s IG pages and for the first time lookout for brands to work with. Since I’m claiming that already in portfolios, I should as well do that for real.
Hopefully, other games will set out well with my renewed peace of mind and sense of accomplishment.
These are my primary interests and what I should love to delightfully glow at. And just like that, in the words of the boy twin of Dre on the trip while in Disneyland as VIP, (Season 3 of Blackish),
“Ei… I’ll let you know how it goes!”
Sidenote: Hopefully I will get to document them all! Haaaaa I’ve missed out on a lot of interesting pieces. My one week in Ghana, especially the travel through bus and the one full week of Airbnb experience – the apartment was dope with a pool. A day viewing the suspended lake in Ibadan, one of the only 2 lakes of such, in the world.
How I started to purchase a guinea pig but went home with a puppy, adventures in my first year living in a real apartment independently, and what no one tells you about living single… lots jeez. Oh oh A year at my new job. The one that caused me to move interstate. One of the biggest multinationals in the world.
Edit. Ps: I just felt like I did a Wattpad entry with the sidenote thing. Ahh Wattpad. I’ve missed you too.