Having read a post about people who cheat, I started to write a comment. It got too long and I didn’t want to be one of those kind of long text commenters. So I left only a paragraph there and chose instead to rant on here.
Whenever the cheat topic comes up, in my opinion, it relates to this a specific mistake few people get into while in relationships.
+ Easily letting their attraction capacity span roam freely.
You’re with your significant and you know s/he is not perfect, as with every individual. Needless to say, for anyone you think you like for some reason, there’s usually a better version of that reason in some other person out in the world. And this is very true.
Call out that version as version 2.0 and that version shouldn’t concern you when you already have a marked “boo boo”.
If you think your boyfriend is ‘integrated’, you’d be surprised there’s a more integrated guy out there (whichever way your cup of ‘integrated’ tea tastes like). If you think your girlfriend’s smile is great, there’s a girl with a crazy awesome smile somewhere else.
But more importantly, maybe you especially love 3 qualities in your spouse, those same 3 qualities in better variations are in someone else. Even with a number of other qualities you may or may not like.
Being in a relationship, you’ve subtly accepted each other’s dominant version/the qualities in your spouse -the desirables and the undesirables. Let’s say they fit in like 70/30 (different agreeable attributes making up 70% desirable, 30% total attributes s/he could be better off without.
Your love for the 70 makes you blind to the 30, or makes up for the 30 lacking, or makes you able to live with the 30 or compromise.
But for this 30% undesirable, say about 2 qualities you don’t like in your spouse… you see someone else with the opposite of those qualities and you let yourself get attracted, and you try to pursue the attraction.
Or you feel a pause in any of the 70% you like in your spouse… and you start to search into someone else for those qualities (whether consciously or unconsciously).
I think that’s just one of the many processes that lead to how guys cheat 😐
Three guys summarize why they cheat
I tricked some of my male friends into expanding on reasons that had caused them to cheat at some point while in relationships and it boiled down simply to attraction. It’s funny how so different the cookie crumbles for different people.
For Guy A, 70/30 – one of the 30% undesirables in his lady (her failing attribute in his eyes) is his most turn on point; he loves outspoken ladies. But his girlfriend is a shy one. His love for her happened with time after he found her agreeable.
Now he sees this other lady with a fiery personality and he’s drawn. He never intended to cheat, but her spark reminded him of the old days and he wanted to play catch up.
Guy B, 70/30. His is one of the cases of overreaching and discontentment. One of the 70% (what got him hooked to his boo-boo) he found in greater quantities in some other lady and it took him off balance.
He loves ambitious women and felt, if his lady met this lady, she’d be challenged. His intention was not to cheat, but only to know more of her drive so he could inspire his lady to aim more.
Guy C, 70/30. This one was just a reverse which he learnt a lot from. He got to realize, with a different personality, your 30 could be your 70, and your 70 could be 30. What this means, he got attracted to the exact attributes he disliked and gradually loathed the ones he previously adored. The ‘wrongs’ felt so right on a different character blend.
Do these reasons justify having to cheat?
I feel no relationship can be expertly defined, just because no person is totally similar to another and you cannot know the entirety of a singular being. You would never really know how quick s/he could subscribe to a particular kind of change. Everyone has history. Any part of this history could be a vice, for a good change or a bad one.
Some events could bring some people to take the absolute reverse path, and transition seamlessly from good guys into assholes. But mostly, we normally just gradually get less interested, less loving and caring, and you’ll see the signs and either choose to ignore as cheat warning, or other matters.
Still, relationships are not scary. Both partners might be confronted with various version 2.0s on daily basis. It would be a matter of maturity and extent of understanding of your spouse to carefully neutralize the attraction for these other versions.
I feel its ok to exercise the trust in relationships and let your spouse get a breathing space every once in a while. More so, not getting paranoid overthinking whether they’d find a version 2.0 of yourself, or the missing 30 from the 70.
Just trust that s/he loves you enough and you guys are at a good place in your relationship and s/he wouldn’t go scouting for what isn’t missing.