The lady sat by herself. She’s not really pretty, but she sure is attractive. Not to sound pained and hating, here’s what I mean. First, she literally has big eyes. Second, you heard well, big frigging bulgy eyes kind of like Chucky’s, that evil doll. Third, she got big bulgy eyes with contact lens. She wore some fake lashes too, I think. Fourth, she’s got just a dimple on her left cheek, and its really pronounced so she doesn’t have to smile to let it show. Fifth, she…you know what, try and picture the animated chic in that movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit and you’d get to know how this unpretty but attractive chic looks like.

The lady sat right across from me so I can hear her conversation on the phone a little well. This is to say she’s that close, but no, thank you, she’s not my type. She seems snobby and high maintenance. She hasn’t cracked a smile in 15mins. Not for me. On the other hand, this other dude at the far end of the bar is staring (interestingly) at her. I wonder if anyone caught me staring like I just did him. I quickly take my eyes away and continue typing away on my laptop.

A few minutes later and I try to steal a glance at her. The lady is smiling now. I wonder if it’s because she knows she’s getting lots of attention. The other dude (let’s call him Captain Obvious) is practically groping. I wonder if he has even taken his eyes off her since. Someone ought to tell him it’s rude to stare.

Now he’s getting off his seat and walking towards her. Like that’s a shocker. I adjust to watch the scene about to take place, sipping my Smirnoff noisily. What? This is like the movies! He gets to her table and asks if the other seat’s taken and she shakes her head. He sits and says, ‘Yo!…me….you….out together. Cool?’
I shake my head. Pathetic downfall.

But wait, this lady blushes. And fiddles with her fingers, huh huh. She says, ‘I’d love to. Out together. Me….you.’ I choke on my drink and just blink. What??? She packs her stuffs into her bag and she walks out with him, acting shy, giving him a peck as he smacks her bum.

Ok that didn’t happen. Here’s what really happened.

He asks to sit, and the lady just stares without any response. He sits anyways and brings out his cuban cigar. Still not saying anything, she gets a lighter from her purse and helps light it, and then flicks her hand for a waiter. He rushes with an ash tray. Capt Obvious puffs the smoke and leans forward to her. She leans also until their faces are just……..

I can’t go on. That didn’t happen. Here’s what happened for real.

The lady gives some excuses about the seat but he insists he won’t be long, so she obliges. He pulls out a guitar from somewhere and starts to play something slow about how he keeps getting misunderstood. Sad tune. 4mins later and he’s gotten the attention of the whole bar. I noticed when I heard a sniff sound beside me. This idiot was blowing his nose in a tissue. Emotional sonafabitch. Capt. Obvious waves at a waiter that practically came running with a tray. There was a fancy ribboned envelope on it.

He directed it to the Lady Snobby and High Maintenance, the Lady SAHM for short. She looks around in awe and then opens it. It was a simple flattering message that looks like it was handwritten with a quill. It looks handwritten with a pen, but so sophisticated and couldn’t have been with a computer. Or so I thought. I saw it because she dropped it on the table to give her obvious answer. The message read, ‘Can we get jiggy?’ and when she said, ‘Why not!’ he ordered free drinks for everyone and then…..

Biko…that didn’t happen o. Now I’m even tired. Ok here’s the true story.

Captain Obvious walks to the end of the bar. And just as if he forgot something, he turns around back towards his seat. Apparently, he forgot to take another drink. After which he musters up the courage to go those few more steps to get to the Lady SAHM. She seemed aware of him ’cause she tried acting more busy on her tablet device. Dude should have taken a hint but I guess he thought he was Chris Brown look alike.

With nothing said, he sits at the empty seat opposite her. The Lady is taken aback and she didn’t hide her irritation as she said sarcastically,
‘Oh it’s empty. You can have a seat.’
He said,
‘You would have said whatever you wanted to if I asked’
She said,
‘It doesn’t matter, you can leave now’
And then he stood and walked away.

I just raised my eyebrows. That fucker was just spineless and witless and obviously idle and bored. If not he wouldn’t have bothered to waste his time if he was just going to give up at the first turn down. He probably thought he was as irresistible as Denzel Washington. That she would be all nice and clingy and flirty just on seeing him. Crazy mofo. And now my drink was finished.

The moment I turned back to the laptop screen, something caught my eyes from the corner of Lady SAHM’s table. Capt. Obvious is coming back with a seat he dragged from the table on the other side. What?! And I heard him say,
‘So now I’m on my seat.’
And the lady said,
‘You’re totally insensitive and obnoxious’
‘I’m just trying to play the card you don’t see too often, just to get you to talk with silly me’
‘Coming off as a jerk isn’t ideal ‘
‘But if I get to talk long enough, you’d see it’s just a front’
By now I had closed the laptop, gotten another bottle of smirnoff with a straw. Yes! Straw. Just let me be, I’m in that gay mood.

I don’t know what he said but the lady just giggled. And she said something else in reply while blushing. He started to say, ‘I was just wondering if you…’ but was cut short when the hefty, lip ringed with no facial hair barman walked over and said with the softest voice ever,
‘My shift’s over. You done talking with your friend?’ and she said,
‘Not my friend. Just somebody.’
And she quietly packs up her stuffs. Mr hefty-with-the-soft-voice holds her jacket for her, and they both leave hand in hand.

Capt Obvious stays still at her table for about 40secs. She wasn’t even rude not to have said bye. He didn’t tell her his name or get hers. It wouldn’t have mattered either way though. He would still be another somebody. That they connected to an extent……

He is just one of us #TeamForeverAlone

9 Replies to “How To Approach The Lady The Guys’ Way

  1. Angela, who wrote this? And when did you become #teamforeveralone ??
    Nice and funny post tho.

  2. Can’t believe i read it to the end. Sad and pathetic. There’s a cure for sad and lonely people. Its called SUICIDE. I wouldn’t advise that anyway

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